Thursday, June 30, 2011

Give A Hoot Don't Pollute

Mr. Bunndini will try anything once. Maybe even twice. Case in point: Jameson and pickle juice shots, getting my navel pierced back in 1990, ballet lessons, lending unemployed losers money, really short bangs, drunken cartwheel competitions, spandex, dating drummers and chicken carpaccio. I may even try these things again one day but one thing I will never do again is CAMPING.

I like to say that jews don't camp because we've done enough camping in the past two centuries or so but I don't think it is as simple of an explanation as that. If I wanted to sleep next to the smell of an outhouse on the cold wet ground then make bad coffee on an open flame while sitting in an uncomfortable lawn chair all day long then I certainly would do so but I'd much rather delight in many of the miracles the modern world has to offer namely indoor plumbing, electricity, poly cashmere blends and the interweb. It was recently brought to my attention by my former beau Mr. Scotty that not only do I hate camping but my bad attitude about just how much I hate camping ruined some otherwise perfectly good camping trips that I (or more fittingly the people I was with) had the misfortune of being on. So to all the people I've camped with before I apologize and to the rest of you have fun with your burnt wieners and forest rangers telling you to be quiet at 10pm.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The City Of Vancouver Does Road Work Outside My Apartment For Days On End Haiku

At 8am sharp
You start up with the machines
Orange florescent vest

Working from home
I cannot hear Judge Judy
Press the mute button

No parking for cars
No rest for the hungover
Knock it off now please

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Main Street Haiku Of The Day

I'm not judging but
Hipster dude you should wear socks
Those loafers must smell

Monday, June 20, 2011

If You Like It Then You Better Put A Canklet On It

CANKLET (noun): A piece of jewelry worn on the ankle of a person with a low calf to ankle ratio.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Math Camp (say it with a lateral lisp)

It is a true fact that Mr. Bunndini failed algebra in grade 9. I would like to think that this was due to an extremely poor attendance record and an 18 year old punk boyfriend who would pick me up on his motorcycle on sunny afternoons which always coincided with algebra class but it probably has more to do with my lack of proficiency in the number department of my brain. Of course I blame my mother for this and my weak ankles. Suffice to say that I am very proud of Dr. Mavis Stapler for making it through a gruelling week of math camp at Yale. It's good to know that I have someone on my team in the apocalypse with a deep understanding of differential equations and Wnt signalling pathways (whatever those are). I can only offer up my ability to make quick decisions and endless music play lists. Hopefully we can find someone who can build us a house and slaughter wild animals for lunch.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

We Are All Canucks

Last night there was a riot in my hometown (if that doesn't sound like a John Cougar Mellencamp song I don't know what does). I watched it happen it on the news and heard the helicopters and the sirens from the safety of my couch. Some people are blaming violence in hockey and others are saying it's the fault of anarchists, people from Surrey, alcohol, the mayor, consumerism, class inequality, the full moon, Tim Horton's donuts and/or the homeless.  Mr. Bunndini is both saddened and not particularly surprised (which is also sad in an isn't the world a fucked place to live kinda way) but all I can offer in consolidation is this haiku:

Cat eating pizza
Don't smash that police car up
Cause that would be wrong

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Very Last Hockey Haiku Of The Season

No one needs to see
 Those green guys kibbles and bits
Wash your leotard

If you trim your neck
Then is it a playoff beard?
Sky Train smells like barf

I don't care who wins
No I will not high five you 
Tim Horton's donut

Drive around honking
With your faces painted blue
All fucking night long

Friday, June 10, 2011

Happy Birthday Dr. Mavis Stapler

I love you and miss you Dr. Stapler and would transport myself to Philly right now if only I had smoked less pot in the 90s and spent more time perfecting that time travel machine. You are a scholar and a gentleman and my life is immeasurably better with you in it. May your cupboards always be full of stove top stuffing and your wine glass never run dry. 

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Less Talky Talky More Makey Coffee

For your information: Deep fried dill pickles with tartar sauce when eaten in extreme quantities and washed down with bourbon sours will result in a undetermined stretch of "working from home" the next day. This may also coincide with men using loud machinery repairing the pavement outside your apartment starting at 9am and continuing indefinitely. You have been warned.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I'm Not That Kind Of Corn Dog

Mr. Bunndini has been smitten with a consecutive string of health ailments and weird news in the past week so decided that it would be a good idea to hide from the hockey game last night at a windowless tv-less drinking establishment on Main Street with Pollyanna. Over the course of the evening I ate a rare tuna burger, fries, nachos and a veggie corn dog with spicy mustard interspersed with plentiful double bourbon sours and Jameson shots. None of the aforementioned items were welcomed in my body by the viruses that are currently inhabiting it and the resulting sleepless night was an unfortunate and uncomfortable experience. I will be spending the day on the couch. If you need me I'll be the one in the pajamas singing along with the Judge Judy theme song.