Friday, April 27, 2012

It's Patrick, He Took Out Life Insurance

It's day five of lying in bed with my legs propped up on a massive pile of pillows whinging about my twisted pelvis. I'd like to thank Pollyanna for lending me her Netflix password which has enabled me to watch two entire seasons of Mad Men on my laptop. I'd also like to thank Nada the massage therapist for beating the crap out of me yesterday and Mr. Firepie for helping me loosen my cranky pants a bit. I would not like to thank painkillers since they have forsaken me. Heating pad and I have gotten very close though. Almost as close as the winter of my broken foot but he (heating pad is a boy) doesn't like me sitting on him so much because he can't hear the dialogue of Mad Men and he wants to know what Don Draper is up to now. 

Thursday, April 26, 2012

All Roads Lead To Brampton

Those 30 year old big girl pants look great on you Pollyanna Algae Frankenstein

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Will Work For Clams

I would like to go here immediately.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Your Team Did Not Win The Hockey World Series Haiku

Your lucky jersey
Not so lucky after all
Playoff beard regret

Hey Moxies waitress
Wednesday shift won't be the same
Student loan payment

Riot rain check day
Last years Coach bags in Whalley
Will have to suffice

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Baby Monkey Riding Forwards On A Bike

The cherry blossoms are blooming outside my window which means that spring has officially sprung. Mr. Firepie and I will soon be riding our bicycles around the seawall and Pollyanna and I will be drinking beers on the palatial patio sectional but not today because the skies are grey and gloomy.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Random Hockey Haiku Of The Day

Eye of the tiger
Lanny McDonald's moustache
Twelve dollar Bud Light

Friday, April 13, 2012

It's Hockey Playoff Time Again Haiku

Here we go again
My jersey is in the wash
For eternity

Hockey goon fight good
Hockey loogan riot bad
Both equally dull

Seriously dude
I like it with the sound off
On the radio  

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ship Happens

There is a magical moment when you first arrive to an art gallery (in this case The National Gallery in Ottawa) and you are not sure if taking photographs is allowed. Maybe you have chosen not to closely read the pamphlet they gave you with your admission. Perhaps there are no signs posted. Regardless, you wait until you see a painting you really like which chances are will not have a matching post card in the gift shop because it's not by anyone particularly famous and/or of a naked lady. It's a rainy early spring Sunday afternoon and, except for a horn-rimmed batik-panted natural grey haired lady and a gaggle of bored high schoolers, you are alone. You get one shot before the french-speaking guard politely tells you that photos are not allowed. For me it's always a painting of a ship. 

Edward Wadsworth
British, 1889-1949

Dazzle-ships in Drydock at Liverpool 
Oil on canvas.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Thanks Big Guy

Jesus died for my sins so I could lounge in bed all morning indulging my jet lag, reading British music magazines and eating mediocre over-priced baked goods from the Starbucks across the alley.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Your Daddy Don't Know

Toronto you smell intermittently like sewage, old cabbage and fish juice. You are wide, flat, dirty and cracked but not in the charming way that New York is. I appreciate the sun that beams down from your skies and the plethora of great people who choose to live in you but I'm going to stick with Vancouver for now. I just don't like you in that way but we can still be friends and see each other once a year or so. No hard feelings.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Sunday, April 1, 2012

And The Award Goes To.......

I was born in Ottawa but it still made me wear two sweaters today on my walk to the National Gallery. 

The Juno Awards are here tonight. I am definitely going to take home the prize in the category of "person who successfully stays in her hotel room for an entire day, eating chips, watching Mad Men and avoiding all Juno-related activities. Mr. Firepie is the clear favourite in the "red haired musician who manages to win over a room full of drunk loud-talking blues fans" category. Peroni is getting a lifetime achievement award and we couldn't be prouder. As you can see by the variety of cheeses, Pierre is coming by for a visit.