Saturday, December 20, 2014

Merry Fucking Christmas Happy Fucking Holidays Haiku

Your ecard is lame
I know you did not donate
To that orphanage

Holiday road check
Dude crying by his Yaris
Worst office party

Deck all the halls with
Gastown drunk Australians
Barf filled santa hat

Hawaiian pizza
Tastes so good at 3am
Fa la la la la

Eggnog hangover
Carpenters in the forehead
Son of a muffin

Actually it was
Daddy kissing Santa Claus
Gingerbread person

Cat ate some tinsel
Had trouble pooping it out
Happens every year

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

But Pronounced Like Guacamole

If I owned a dermatology clinic I would definitely call it "Whac-A-Mole".

Monday, December 15, 2014

Misery Loves Company

I just love to be left alone, dogs in sweaters, a malty beer, a plate of lasagna and something funny on the netflix. Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Mom Genes

No offence to moms of the world; we love you for changing our diapers and putting up with all of our teenage angsty crap. But I would like to propose that instead of the term "Jumping The Shark" we instead use the following phrase: DISCOVERED BY MOM (DBM)

Recent things my mom has discovered:
1. Texting
2. Facebook
3. "Have you heard this Adele singer? She's really good"
4. Pilates

Acai berries are super tasty! You should try yoga!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Goodbye Mr. Frosty Eye Haiku #2

Hitler hated cats
But he never met this guy
It's true look it up

Goodbye Mr. Frosty Eye Haiku #1

One time on Cambie
He wore a wee pirate hat
And gave zero fucks

One time in Philly
He heard Maggie ate a squirrel
And gave zero fucks

One time in Houston
He yelled in my face all night
And gave zero fucks

Friday, November 21, 2014

It's Not You It's Me

Sorry winter but we are all going to Palm Springs again to avoid you. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Toronto Freezing Cold Winter Haiku

Dude you are too cold
I don't have sufficient clothes
Wind chill conundrum

It's not you it's me
The Gardiner Express Way
Is that all one word?

Icy street car tracks 
How can a place so freezing 
Have such great pizza?

Slight smell of garbage
Cab from the fucking airport 
55 dollars

Our mayor sucked too 
You would be home already
If you lived right here

I love you Big Smoke
But you're bringing me right down
I'll be back in July

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Love Disinfection

DTF moist patch seeks inconsiderate turkey with a messiah complex for salsa dance partner. Must be available Wednesdays.

Love Convection

Poodle cross with a nasty case of shingles seeks down-to-earth sagittarius for slow walks on the beach and pillow fights. Must be lactose intolerant.

Love Reflection

Left slipper seeks right for awkward brunches and ....? No fatties.

Love Insurrection

Tiny muffin seeks strong smelling woman to help install kitchen cabinets. No guilt trips. 

Love Imperfection

Glass eye seeks caramel apple for discreet encounters in the Whole Foods women's bathroom. Vaccinations required. 

Love Projection

SWF with a hummus fetish seeks same. Accountants welcome.

Love Connection

Do you like to party? This big beautiful presbyterian will roll you up in a duvet and treat you like the nasty burrito you are. Must own car. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Is That A Yam With Marshmallows In Your Pants Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

SHEMOMEDJAMO: A Georgian word that roughly translates to the state of being whereby one eats past the point of being full just because the food tastes good.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Super Tight Cranky Pants All Up In Your Business Haiku: Late Addition

Pumpkin spice my ass
I'll take a nice dry red wine
Leave the bottle please

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Super Tight Cranky Pants All Up In Your Business Haiku

I hate everyone
Shut the fuck up barky dog
Poisoned hamburger

Seriously dude
I'll punch you in the dunkers
Square in the dunkers

 I'm so not kidding
Volvo lady drive faster
Watch me rear end you

Fist upside the head
You mistook me for someone
Who cares what you think

Don't answer the phone 
Just smoke a big fat doobie
Popcorn sandwiches

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Waiting To Deplane In YVR Airport Haiku

Back of seat kicker
Peanut salt finger licker
I will not miss you

Grumpy Winnipeg Airport Haiku

How can these fries be soggy
And yet also burnt

Nice work business man
You know all the words to that 
Fucking country song

Girl with no shoes on
You're bogarting the outlet
I want to mace you

Loud iPad couple 
Everybody does not
Love Raymond like you

Do you really need
That big gigantic pillow
To fly to Brandon?

Sorry middle seat
But my left armpit kind of 
Smells like fried chicken 

Friday, September 26, 2014

What Does A Guy Have To Do To Get His Own Therapy Llama?

An open letter to the old man stuck in room 601 of the Raddisson on John Deere Commons in Moline Illinois.  Don't panic. Put on your sweatpants and eat the $14 pringles from the mini bar. Your flight has been rescheduled for tomorrow.