Sunday, December 29, 2013

I Went To Palm Sprangs For Christmas And All I Got Was This Lousy Hot Tub Elbow

The view from my bedroom window in the morning was terrible and two out of three vacationers had the flu.

Most days all we could do was lie in the hot tub drinking all the hot toddys except one afternoon excursion to the Salton Sea.

The piles of dead tialpia and bird skeletons were there right where I left them last year.

This tilapia tried to teach us the dangers of alcohol abuse.

Only one out of three of us could smell the dead fishy smell.

Two out of three of us took selfies with dead tilaipa.

Zero out of three of us did any fishing.

Merry Christmas from Bombay Beach California.

See you next year. Same time and place. Less flu virus and more beer.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Monday, December 16, 2013

Everything You Drop Is So Tired

Ya I'm talking to you head cold. Go S all the D's and while you are at it make me another salami sandwich and then S some more D's. You make me think you are going away and then I get up and take a shower and get dressed and go out and drink some cocktails maybe even smoke a cigarette or two and possibly even eat a few chicken wings but then the next day you are all: "I'm here I'm phlegmy get used to it!". Just figure out what you want from me and get on with it or get the hell out of my life. Your neediness is super unattractive. Also, happy holidays.

Monday, December 9, 2013

May The Vichyssoise Be With You.

The first snow fall of the season has nicely coincided with the first sore throat of the season. Frozen home made soup and a double bill of The Big Lebowski and Animal House to the rescue!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

I Finally Got That Big Cheque I've Been Waiting For Since August

I may spend a sizable chunk of it on several pairs of expensive boots hand crafted in Spain, laser hair removal, RRSP's and a christmas vacation in a stylish danish modern home in Palm Springs thus dispelling any suspicions that I am not actually a 54 year old gay man. No judgment.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Montreal I Love You But Your Freezing Cold Weather Is Bringing Me Down

Stop being so fucking cold Montreal. Just stop.

You are so old and picturesque and all the french people who live in you are so well dressed and good looking and talk with their hands in two languages and smoke their faces off.

There is all the crazy street art and the quaint bistros where one can eat all the pate and frites and bone marrow one can stuff in ones face.

And the live music venues with tapas restaurants in their basements all have red walls, old tiled floors and bathrooms with weird bilingual graffiti where everyone leaves their gigantic puffy winter coats on a big rack at the front door without fear that anyone will steal them.

But even when you provide brisket sandwiches from Schwartz's Hebrew Deli on Saint Laurent and suggest I eat them on top of Mont Royal looking down on the city you still cannot convince me that you are in the slightest bit warm and amenable to living in you except maybe from June to September but even then probably not.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Still More Bad Jokes My Coffee Table Tells Me

Question: Why did the hipster burn his tongue eating pizza?

Answer: Because it wasn't cool enough.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Smooth Move Ex Lax

This stomach bug/flu/food poisoning/ecoli/scurvy is not getting any better. I' have no doubt that ignoring it over the past 48 hours while going out for dinner every night and drinking copious amounts of red wine and Jameson's has not been helpful in the least but as I've said many times before; you won't remember that night you got a good nights sleep when you are on your death bed. Thus, the menu today on this holiday Monday will include some sort of brothy soup, salty crackers and a couple shots of pepto bismal. L'chaim!

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Paging Doctor Stapler

I'm super excited to pick you up at the airport tomorrow and then take bunch of ferries and drink a bunch of negroni's (but not necessarily in that exact order) with you. 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Working On My Night Cheese

I'm putting on my winter gravy weight right now and may need bigger pants. 
Send Ben & Jerrys Scotchy Scotch Scotch ice cream stat.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

If The Questions Is Who Had The Worst Sleep Last NIght

Then the answer is Mr. Bunndini with the foghorn in the bedroom.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Hashtag Hamsterharmonicaparty

I could really use an assistant but I don't want to explain anything or talk to anyone if I don't absolutely have to. Furthermore my systems of organization are so finely honed and obsessively organized that no human could possibly do them the justice they deserve without a lot of explaining and coaching which I do not have the patience, energy or desire to do. The solution is clearly to train small rodents to help with my work load. I will provide room and board but no extended health care. Apply with resume to

Friday, October 18, 2013

Phoney Negroni Baloney

Mr. Bunndini is so very hungover today. The blinds are drawn and the seven dollar lemon banana kale juice from Whole Foods will be consumed in a prone position on the couch in 3-24 minutes depending on how chatty the person on the other end of my last phone call of the day is.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Yes That Is Stuffing In My Pants And I Am Also Glad To See You

If the question is what is the best part of thanksgiving dinner then the answer is, and will always be, stuffing.