Wednesday, April 29, 2015

More Random 4am Insomnia Thoughts

1. I will not use the term "boyfriend" again. At my advanced age it seems untoward and immature. From now on future romantic partners will instead be forever referred to as "my gentleman lover" or "Juan Carlos" (regarding of his actual name).

2. Someone should make a corn dog that instead of a wiener has a banana in the middle. 

3. To me there is no difference between using a dryer sheet and not using one. This may actually be a huge conspiracy that nobody is talking about.

4. I may have just publicly blown the lid right off the dryer sheet conspiracy. If I mysterious disappear without a trace you know who did it.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Classic Presentation

It's raining and my hangover is 43-72% gone but I'm still not getting off the couch for another hour. #nojudgement 

Monday, April 13, 2015

In Case You Were Wondering

I'm still giving zero fucks about your stupid unrealistic life plans and crazy relationship drama.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Dear Crazy Self Absorbed People Whose Text Messages I Will Be Ignoring Forever

You are not my problem. Please accept this bowl of zero fucks as a consolation prize.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Send Baked Goods STAT!

Man cannot live on pickled eggs alone. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Work Schmerk

I'm taking the day off for the safety of all humanity.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Pull Your Head Out Of Your Ass Millstein

When I get up and walk to the espresso machine only to realize for the second day in a row that I forgot to buy milk for my coffee.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Children Are A Blessing From Dog

Just Take It Down A Notch Big Guy

How my hangover feels about having to celebrate jesus birthing chocolate eggs out of his vagina this morning.