Saturday, July 31, 2010

Happy Pride Weekend

Mr. Bunndini loves all his gaylords friends!

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Ballad Of Brandy & Gravol

Here are some things that Mr. Bunndini has managed to avoid in his long life and hopes to continue avoiding:

• Childbirth reality tv programs
• The jaws of life
• Couples retreats
• Gout
• Hiring a wedding planner
• Bunion surgery

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Stoned Wheat Thins

Are my favorite crackers. I’m just saying.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Mr. Bunndini’s Brilliant Inventions Just Keep Coming

FOOD SCENTED DRYER SHEETS (noun): The aroma of lavender and gentle breeze are fine for a less developed palate but for a true olfactory connoisseur the best smells come from straight from the oven. So why not dryer sheets scented with the tantalizing fragrances of hot buttered popcorn, cinnamon roll, peach cobbler, roast chicken and bacon? Totally mustard.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Pierre Le Deuce

JAUNTY (adjective): Having or expressing a lively, cheerful and self-confident manner.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Mr. Bunndini’s Brilliant Inventions: The Home Entertainment Addition

THE AIRPORT ARRIVAL CAM TV CHANNEL (noun): Imagine the hours of heartwarming home entertainment that just one camera shooting the international arrivals area of any major airport 24 hours day could generate. It would be like that fire log that plays on Shaw TV at Christmastime only with more hugging.

I would also like to suggest the television series HOMELESS MAKEOVER and GAY & LESBIAN TRIVAL PURSUIT.


Monday, July 19, 2010

Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat?

Just a note that Mr. Bunndini will be replacing the word "awesome" with the word "mustard" all week long.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Mr. Bunndini’s Brilliant Inventions: The Canine Addition

GUILTY PLEASURE DOG TREATS (noun): Of course dogs love roast lamb, bacon and chicken but many of my canine friends have a vast repertoire of culinary delicacies they enjoy which are not currently found in the marketplace. For these friends I propose a new line of dog treat flavours such as goose poop, crotch, old garbage, cigarette butt, stick, carcass, Smithrite and frightened squirrel.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Rock And Also Roll

Here are some of Mr. Bunndini's suggestions for band names:
• Girth
• Wiener Water
• The Corn Nutz
• Frost And Tip
• Gussett
• The Clap
• Hackeysack Fannypack
• Fuckloaf
• Merkin
• Fish Taco Riot

I would also like to include Nine Dollar Melon Baller but that would be plagiarism as it is an actual band name (and an awesome one at that).

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Mr. Bunndini's Brilliant Inventions Part One

Norman Mailer claims he invented thumb wrestling but how will we ever know for sure? Unless you can market your invention it’s just a great idea unrealized or a game kids play on long car rides. Mr. Bunndini’s mind never stops churning. It’s filled to the brim with grocery lists, kittens in wigs, the lyrics to The Littlest Hobo theme song and random thoughts and I need to make some room so here are some of the inventions (both great and small) that have been clogging up my head for years. Think of it as mental garage sale.

SHEET HAPPENS (noun, verb): I don’t particularly like doing the laundry but I do like having clean clothes and linens folded within an inch of their lives and neatly put away. Some call it OCD but I call it common sense. Sharp corners are a beacon in the storm that is the laundry piled high on your bed - they guide you safely to shore. When folding fitted bed sheets there are many methods that can be employed to try to create corners where they do not exist but, as with most things in life, you can’t force something (or someone) to be something (or someone) that it (or he or she) is not. But what you can do is prod and plead and improvise ways so that the unruly item (or person) can fit neatly in your linen closet (or life). Sheet Happens™ are plastic clips that snap into each corner of the fitted sheet thereby stretching the elastic in just such a way as to create a corner. I can’t reveal any more details or I would have to kill you but let me just say that Sheet Happens will complete you. It had me at hello.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Skinny Dipping With The Aged

My grandmother's name was Hedvig Valentin Lattey. She was a 4'10" nudist spitfire with a thick German accent and these are some of the things she taught me:
• In a pinch boobs can also act as flotation devices.
• Sausages are good at any meal.
• Never run for a bus or a man because another one will come along soon enough.
• That bed is not going to make itself.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Ready! Aim!

FIREPIE (noun): The pubic region of a naturally red headed person. Applicable to males or females. Example of use in a sentence "I met this hot red head at a bar and wanted to order up a slice of his/her firepie."

Friday, July 9, 2010

Carne Asada

APORKALYPSE COW (noun): Beef chilli with bacon added.

not to be confused with.......

JEWS GONE WILD (noun, verb): A scallop wrapped in bacon.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Does Your Bag Match Your Shoes?

DUFFLEBAG SITUATION (noun, verb, adj): An inadvertent and inexcusable faux-pas occurring at any stage in a purely sexual relationship so dire as to thus terminate any possibly chance of said relationship continuing. Most commonly involves asking to borrow large sums of money or leaving luggage or other large items behind in your lover's apartment. Similar to but not as serious as an Old Spaghetti Factory (OSF) situation.

Monday, July 5, 2010

You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings.

Mr. Bunndini has today reached a milestone. I never thought I would be so fabulous at such an advanced age but the many years of sipping cocktails and shopping for shoes have obviously agreed with me. I like to think that the secret to my wrinkle-free complexion is a positive attitude but vast quantities of sarcasm probably have more to do with it. We must embrace the bad along with the good and laugh at both equally. So my faithful readers here are a few things you may or may not know about me. Think of this as a one-way sharing circle and I'm passing the talking stick onto you now. Namaste.

- I always wear sunscreen.
- My worst fear is being crushed by scaffolding so I cross the street to avoid walking under or near it.
- I’m also afraid of opening tin cans, silverfish, getting my fingers cut off in a garberator and being trapped in an underground parking lot during an earthquake.
- I have no problem with fire, flying, heights, snakes, spiders, public speaking or clowns.
- I cut off all my hair in my sleep at age 5 and hid it in a shoebox under my bed that was not found for several days.
- It is my goal to be vomit free until 2023.
- Chances are I’m better at origami than you.
- I have been to only two professional sporting events in my life and one I was tricked into attending by my girlfriends who told me we were going shopping.
- I was drunk at the other one.
- Thankfully neither was a hockey game.
- The only thing more tedious than watching sports (see above) would be listening to people talking about watching sports.
- I have totally flat feet.
- My catholic grandmother secretly baptized me as a baby.
- I hate camping.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Glockenstein Chewbacccafurter

Mr Bunndini had a big birthday party last night and is not feeling very well today.

Friday, July 2, 2010

It only takes one maggot to upset your world.

I've forgotten what I started fighting for. It's time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars forever.