Friday, May 23, 2014

Random Gout Haiku (Sponsored By Old Jewish Men Everywhere)

Fuck uric acid
What am I Winston Churchill?
Steer clear of all beer

Though I love you so
Marmite I must forsake you
Hot swollen toe joint

The disease of kings
So says Wikipedia
I say bite my ass

Ring no longer fits
Cool it with the organ meats
Have some bread instead

Known as podagra
When it involves the big toe
Avoid oily fish

Thursday, May 22, 2014


Why does anyone like dating?

You have to put on a clean sweater.

Meet someone you don't really know who is probably all sorts of wrong but pretending not to be.

Maybe make a plan to grab a bite to eat sometime.

Go out in public.

When really you just both want to get some sexy time.

And then go home and sleep alone in your own beds.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

I'm Holding Out For A Neither Until The End Of The Night

no guilt trips
no coke heads
no negative nellies
no control freaks
no children
no stalkers
no drug dealers
no peanut allergies
no jealous assholes
no dieters
no bus passes
no prozac
no drummers
no agoraphobics
no neurotics
no god lovers
no drunks
no overbearing mothers
no passive aggressives
no whiners
just no

Monday, May 12, 2014

I Choose Neither

It would be an understatement to say that all human interactions today have been unfulfilling. If you need me I'll be the one on the patio smoking and not making eye contact with anyone.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


If this little dude was wrapped around my finger the gouty arthritis would surely be cured indefinitely

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Jimmy Crack Corn And I Don't Care

Dr. Stapler and I have started a new band called Guinea Pig Hair Piece. We hope to release a cassingle of our first song "Give Us The Money Lebowski" on Roast Leg Of Lamb Day (May 7th) but it may be delayed to Straw Hat Day (May 15th) if we can't get the art work done in time.