Thursday, March 27, 2014

Gout Be Damned

This is what I see when I look at a glass of ice cold beer.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Lowered Expectations

You know those Sundays where you get it all done? You wake up refreshed at 7am after a blissful 10 hour sleep with no hangover since you stayed in the night before watching Woody Allen movies on the netflix. You drink two double cappuccinos and get three straight hours of reading and laundry done before you have nice brunch with a nice friend. Then get your car cleaned and measure and price out that sectional couch you are thinking of buying and go to Home Depot to buy anchors to fix the bookshelf you built five years ago which is on the verge of falling off the wall because clearly you are not as handy as you think you are. Then you buy all the overpriced groceries at the Whole Foods and the embarrassingly gigantic package of toilet paper at Shoppers and remember to get US cash from that one bank machine for your Portland trip next weekend and also drive all the way back to Staples because you almost forgot that your printer cartridge is out and you have a lot of contracts to print out tomorrow before your mix. You take out all the recyling and garbage and put that bag of clothes in the charity bin that has been in your car trunk for two months. You eat kale salad and an overpriced tandoori chicken wrap for dinner while intermittently vacuuming and spraying your teak furniture with that orange oil that smells great but takes two days to fully dry. You scrub the bath tub then take a bath and start reading the new Zadie Smith book that you've had forever then move onto the couch for some Flight Of The Concords rerun action when you reach for the caramel salted chocolate bar you'd bought earlier only to realize it's the one thing you didn't do all day. What a loser you are.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Having It All

Yes, even if you have no staff and work out of your living room in your pajamas, if you own and operate your own business you are still technically the CEO but is it really necessary to put that on your business cards and every piece of correspondence you have with me. Really?

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Whoop There It Is

If you say "I'm not here to make friends" then you're probably not a friend that any one wants to make.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Bejesus Saves!

If nothing else I'd like to dedicate my life (or at least the next 24-36 hours) to bringing the word "bejesus" back into the modern cultural lexicon.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

More Really Bad Jokes For People Having A Really Bad Week

I went into the butchers the other day and bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat on the very top shelf. He said "I can't. The steaks are too high."

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only plastic wrap for pants. The shrink says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man goes into the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head and the doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Really Bad Jokes For People Who Have Had A Really Bad Day And The People Who Love Them

I went to a seafood disco last weekend and pulled a mussel.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and shortly thereafter got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu you need tweetment and if you have swine flu you only need oink-ment.

A large group of chess enthusiasts were standing around the lobby of a hotel discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour the manager came over and asked them to please disperse. When they asked why he said "because I hate chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Thursday, March 6, 2014

I Know You Are But What Am I

I am twice as excited as these tiny ginger kittens that Dr. Stapler is here for a visit.

Monday, March 3, 2014

How Was Your Weekend?

Saturday night

Sunday morning

Sunday afternoon

Sunday 7pm