Sunday, February 23, 2014

Bim Bam Pot Roast


Snow has been relentlessly falling from the grey skies in big soggy chunks for the past 24 hours. The good news is I have spent those last 24 hours engaging in a melange of loafing, snacking, napping and watching of television like the true champion sloth I always knew I could become. I'm proud of myself and covered in a fine layer of lasagna residue and laziness.

The bad news is I must bathe for the first time since Friday morning and brave the elements because my mother has offered up a home cooked meal of pot roast with all the trimmings including no doubt some sort of tasty sugary dessert. These occasions are exactly this reason why I purchased a car with all-wheel drive; so I can safely consume deliciously prepared large hunks of meat.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Monday, February 17, 2014

Sloth For The Win


I'm right on track to win the olympic gold medal in lying around on the couch in sweatpants eating cheese and watching netflix all weekend.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Sprechen Sie Cheese Doodles?


SeƱor grumpy toad ran out of banana chips and is too engrossed in House Of Cards to go to the store and buy more and/or pretzels and/or chocolate mint cookies.  

Friday, February 14, 2014

Casserole Of Nonsense



Roses are red
Pinot noir is too
I'd rather eat all these pancakes
Than go on a date with you

Monday, February 10, 2014

Unless You Want A Punch In The Dunkers


There are some things one should never say regardless of ones marital status and the phrase "happy wife happy life" is definitely one of those things.

See also: "the wife" and "hubby".

Friday, February 7, 2014

Jokes The Baseboard Heaters Tell Me On Freezing Cold Mornings When I Don't Want To Get Out Of Bed


My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books but he's only got his shelf to blame.

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a really ripe banana.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You


Things you should never google:
• Tick infestation
• Extra teeth
• Pilonidal cyst
• Tapeworm
• Severe athlete's foot

Things you should always google:
• Ocelot kitten
• Sinkholes
• Polar bears and dogs playing together
• Easter Island bodies
• Magnet falling through copper pipe
• Ticklish penguin

Monday, February 3, 2014

Bim Bam Baloney

Top ten reasons why working from home is better than not:

1. Never having anyone ask how your weekend was.
2. Sweatpants.
3. Never having to smell the gross smell of other peoples gross lunches being heated up in the gross office kitchen microwave.
4. No office kitchen microwave.
5. No commuting/parking/public transit.
6. Sweatpants.
7. No drama (unless it's on Judge Judy).
8. Grilled cheese sandwiches anytime of the day are just a few steps away.
9. Never having to hear about last nights episode of Dancing With the Stars.
10. Sorry did I say sweatpants already?



Sunday, February 2, 2014

I Think Some Kind Of Sporting Event Is On Right Now Haiku



The streets are empty
Do they riot in football?
Melt some cheese on it.

Oh so much yelling
Good time to go to Costco
No toilet paper

Watch out for that dip
It's been sitting out all day
backfield in motion

Jokes Tiny Birds Tell Each Other


Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.