Thursday, July 28, 2011

Thetis Island Cabin Haiku

Bourbon sour at noon
I call the outhouse Regis
Pass me the cheezies

Name your vagina
After a friendly rodent
Sweet Sugar Glider

The Badger found out
The Mink does not like Motown
Where is my flashlight?

Fireball helps you
Swim in the ocean naked
Even Pink Possum

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Talk Nautical To Me

Mr. Bunndini is back from many days without indoor plumbing or electricity on Thetis Island. I have sharp rocks imbedded in the soles of my feet and my hair still smells like the ocean. Also these things happened:

Women who name their genitals after rodents swam naked here.

I think these forest flowers are called vulcan pipes.

This is where one would shower if one were to shower.


The ferry from Chemanius (rhymes with anus).

We generally travel with a large suitcase full of beer.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

My Coffee Table And That Old Man On Main Street Like Poop Jokes

Question: What did the constipated mathematician do?
Answer: He worked it out with a pencil.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I'm The Bacon

I ate too much pizza at Nicili Antica tonight. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Take Two Advil And Call Me In The Morning

I have had these five songs stuck in my head for the past 20-35 years:

1. Black Flag "TV Party".
2. Hank Williams "Hey Good Lookin'" - but only the first three lines.
3. "Beauty School Drop Out" from the Grease soundtrack but sung with a lisp as a duet between Porky Pig and Frankie Vallie.
4. Stevie Wonder "Part Time Lover".
5. "The Good Ship Lollipop" sung by Shirley Temple and the line "we represent the lollipop guild" from the munchkin theme in The Wizard Of Oz combined as a medley that has been dancing around my head since I was 6 or 7 years old. If I could get a lobotomy to remove only the part of my brain that houses this I would.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Sisterhood Of The Travelling Bunndini

Dr. Mavis Stapler arrives in Vancouver for a visit in a mere three days and I can feel the excitement in the air. I know you can all sense it too. We will be joining Sister Mango, Pollyanna and a lady who is exceptionally good at math on the island of Thetis. Activities will include lounging, eating cheese, salty ocean hair, reading the Joey Ramone and Keith Richards biographies, using an outhouse, napping and making bourbon sours by the light of a headlamp. Did I mention napping? I also predict that the lack of waistbands and/or brassieres will directly coincide with the amount of wine consumed.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Sweet Sassy Molassy

It's still raining. I wore a big woolly sweater last night and could have slept the entire morning away but alas I have to do things to make money so I can do things that take money to do. Lately I've taken to working from home until noon as I get more accomplished, can wear sweatpants and do not have to endure the smell of egg salad sandwiches, burnt toast and/or fish being microwaved in the office kitchen mere feet from my desk. Unfortunately I have no blinds in my entire apartment at the moment as they are getting repaired and cleaned so I'm convinced that the construction workers on the roof of the swanky condos being built a block away and the dental hygienists in the medical building are going to watch me walk around in a towel for 20 minutes eating oatmeal after I shower. This is making me not want to shower thereby postponing my eventual arrival at the office and increasing my chance of having a good day despite the rain and lack of blinds. Huzzah!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

We Are Not Dodging A Low Pressure System

Don't you just hate it when people complain about the weather all the time?

Isn't this a more productive way to spend the morning?

Monday, July 11, 2011


This weekend was full of bike rides to Spanish Banks, fish and chips, outdoor concerts, apple cider and patio caesers but this morning I woke up feeling like this horse. 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Buck Nutso and the Kaopectate's

Mr. Bunndini got yelled at by a lot of people yesterday both in person (in a court mediation room no less), on the phone, via email and over text message. Ergo today I am wearing a tiny jaunty suit of armour to protect me against all yelling wackjobs who don't want to pay me for services rendered and angry old friends who repeatedly call me a c*nt for jokingly putting their name on this blog (which on a good week is read by three people). If you have anything you want to yell at me about I kindly ask that you hold it until tomorrow as today I fear I would either burst into tears or punch you in the yarbles (or a reasonable facsimile thereof if you do not have yarbles). Thank you for your support.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Putting On My Cranky Pants One Cranky Leg At A Time

Mr. Bunndini wears his birthday cranky pants with pride today. Here are the things that I don't want to talk about or be involved in this morning as I drink my third cup of coffee and contemplate what may be the worst hangover in human existence. Please note that in the spirit of non-judgment I salute your right to do any and all of these activities on a regular basis with pride and gusto. By no means should my cranky pants hamper your ability to enjoy these activities but just know that I can not share in your amusement.

ORANGE SKIN: I don't need any information on how to apply bronzer but thanks for emailing it to me. Ditto for self tanners, tanning salons or anything fake-tan related. You are not fooling anyone.

TALKING ABOUT BREAST FEEDING: Mr. Bunndini loves boobies as much as the next guy and I'm happy for your ability to nourish life with your mammaries but I have nothing to add to a discussion about this or anything to do with the birthing process in general.

HOLISTIC MEDICINE: Waving a bag of stones in a pouch over your third eye chakra while doing a liver cleanse is no match for the mighty power of science. Enjoy your reiki echinacea homeopathic healing bracelet but don't come running to me when your kids all get polio because you refused to get them vaccinated.

WOMEN-CENTRIC THEME PARTIES: I love a party but will never attend any event that ends in "ette" (stagette, bachelorette). I will also not be taking part in any "showers" be they the wedding or baby variety. In fact the only shower I will attend involves soap and water.

POOP: Your babies, your dogs or your own poop is your own business and responsibility. Please keep it to yourself and do not involve me in your shenanigans.

HOROSCOPES: I'm sorry to have to break it to you but one twelfth of the entire population of the world are not all alike. The alignment of the stars on the day I popped out of my mothers womb in no way influences what numbers I should play in the lottery. If you can provide proof otherwise please let me know.

Also, don't put your dog in your wedding party or say "irregardless".

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy Birthday America

Dear America: 

Some of my favourite people live inside you. Please take care of them. 

Sincerely your friendly neighbour to the north,
Mr. Bunndini

P.S. And yes I did just spell "favourite" with a "u". Deal with it.


Friday, July 1, 2011