Sunday, October 26, 2014

Love Disinfection

DTF moist patch seeks inconsiderate turkey with a messiah complex for salsa dance partner. Must be available Wednesdays.

Love Convection

Poodle cross with a nasty case of shingles seeks down-to-earth sagittarius for slow walks on the beach and pillow fights. Must be lactose intolerant.

Love Reflection

Left slipper seeks right for awkward brunches and ....? No fatties.

Love Insurrection

Tiny muffin seeks strong smelling woman to help install kitchen cabinets. No guilt trips. 

Love Imperfection

Glass eye seeks caramel apple for discreet encounters in the Whole Foods women's bathroom. Vaccinations required. 

Love Projection

SWF with a hummus fetish seeks same. Accountants welcome.

Love Connection

Do you like to party? This big beautiful presbyterian will roll you up in a duvet and treat you like the nasty burrito you are. Must own car. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Is That A Yam With Marshmallows In Your Pants Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

SHEMOMEDJAMO: A Georgian word that roughly translates to the state of being whereby one eats past the point of being full just because the food tastes good.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Super Tight Cranky Pants All Up In Your Business Haiku: Late Addition

Pumpkin spice my ass
I'll take a nice dry red wine
Leave the bottle please

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Super Tight Cranky Pants All Up In Your Business Haiku

I hate everyone
Shut the fuck up barky dog
Poisoned hamburger

Seriously dude
I'll punch you in the dunkers
Square in the dunkers

 I'm so not kidding
Volvo lady drive faster
Watch me rear end you

Fist upside the head
You mistook me for someone
Who cares what you think

Don't answer the phone 
Just smoke a big fat doobie
Popcorn sandwiches

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Waiting To Deplane In YVR Airport Haiku

Back of seat kicker
Peanut salt finger licker
I will not miss you

Grumpy Winnipeg Airport Haiku

How can these fries be soggy
And yet also burnt

Nice work business man
You know all the words to that 
Fucking country song

Girl with no shoes on
You're bogarting the outlet
I want to mace you

Loud iPad couple 
Everybody does not
Love Raymond like you

Do you really need
That big gigantic pillow
To fly to Brandon?

Sorry middle seat
But my left armpit kind of 
Smells like fried chicken