Saturday, December 20, 2014

Merry Fucking Christmas Happy Fucking Holidays Haiku

Your ecard is lame
I know you did not donate
To that orphanage

Holiday road check
Dude crying by his Yaris
Worst office party

Deck all the halls with
Gastown drunk Australians
Barf filled santa hat

Hawaiian pizza
Tastes so good at 3am
Fa la la la la

Eggnog hangover
Carpenters in the forehead
Son of a muffin

Actually it was
Daddy kissing Santa Claus
Gingerbread person

Cat ate some tinsel
Had trouble pooping it out
Happens every year

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

But Pronounced Like Guacamole

If I owned a dermatology clinic I would definitely call it "Whac-A-Mole".

Monday, December 15, 2014

Misery Loves Company

I just love to be left alone, dogs in sweaters, a malty beer, a plate of lasagna and something funny on the netflix. Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Mom Genes

No offence to moms of the world; we love you for changing our diapers and putting up with all of our teenage angsty crap. But I would like to propose that instead of the term "Jumping The Shark" we instead use the following phrase: DISCOVERED BY MOM (DBM)

Recent things my mom has discovered:
1. Texting
2. Facebook
3. "Have you heard this Adele singer? She's really good"
4. Pilates

Acai berries are super tasty! You should try yoga!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Goodbye Mr. Frosty Eye Haiku #2

Hitler hated cats
But he never met this guy
It's true look it up

Goodbye Mr. Frosty Eye Haiku #1

One time on Cambie
He wore a wee pirate hat
And gave zero fucks

One time in Philly
He heard Maggie ate a squirrel
And gave zero fucks

One time in Houston
He yelled in my face all night
And gave zero fucks