Whoop There It Is

If you say "I'm not here to make friends" then you're probably not a friend that any one wants to make.

Bejesus Saves!

If nothing else I'd like to dedicate my life (or at least the next 24-36 hours) to bringing the word "bejesus" back into the modern cultural lexicon.

More Really Bad Jokes For People Having A Really Bad Week

I went into the butchers the other day and bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat on the very top shelf. He said "I can't. The steaks are too high."

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only plastic wrap for pants. The shrink says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man goes into the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head and the doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Really Bad Jokes For People Who Have Had A Really Bad Day And The People Who Love Them

I went to a seafood disco last weekend and pulled a mussel.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and shortly thereafter got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu you need tweetment and if you have swine flu you only need oink-ment.

A large group of chess enthusiasts were standing around the lobby of a hotel discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour the manager came over and asked them to please disperse. When they asked why he said "because I hate chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I Know You Are But What Am I

I am twice as excited as these tiny ginger kittens that Dr. Stapler is here for a visit.

I've Got A Bad Case Of The Wednesdays

Thanks for Telling Me All About The New Paleo Diet Cross Fit Gluten Free Hot Yoga Kale Cleanse You're On

How Was Your Weekend?

Saturday night

Sunday morning

Sunday afternoon

Sunday 7pm

Bim Bam Pot Roast

Snow has been relentlessly falling from the grey skies in big soggy chunks for the past 24 hours. The good news is I have spent those last 24 hours engaging in a melange of loafing, snacking, napping and watching of television like the true champion sloth I always knew I could become. I'm proud of myself and covered in a fine layer of lasagna residue and laziness.

The bad news is I must bathe for the first time since Friday morning and brave the elements because my mother has offered up a home cooked meal of pot roast with all the trimmings including no doubt some sort of tasty sugary dessert. These occasions are exactly this reason why I purchased a car with all-wheel drive; so I can safely consume deliciously prepared large hunks of meat.

They Cannot Do Any Better If They Are Already Perfect

Luck is like a rice dumpling flying into your mouth.