Bombay Beach Memoirs

Merry Fucking Christmas Happy Fucking Holidays Haiku

Your ecard is lame

I know you did not donate

To that orphanage

Holiday road check

Dude crying by his Yaris

Worst office party

Deck all the halls with

Gastown drunk Australians

Barf filled santa hat

Hawaiian pizza

Tastes so good at 3am

Fa la la la la

Eggnog hangover

Carpenters in the forehead

Son of a muffin

Actually it was

Daddy kissing Santa Claus

Gingerbread person

Cat ate some tinsel

Had trouble pooping it out

Happens every year

But Pronounced Like Guacamole

If I owned a dermatology clinic I would definitely call it "Whac-A-Mole".

Misery Loves Company

I just love to be left alone, dogs in sweaters, a malty beer, a plate of lasagna and something funny on the netflix. Is that too much to ask?

Mom Genes

No offence to moms of the world; we love you for changing our diapers and putting up with all of our teenage angsty crap. But I would like to propose that instead of the term "Jumping The Shark" we instead use the following phrase: DISCOVERED BY MOM (DBM)

Recent things my mom has discovered:
1. Texting
2. Facebook
3. "Have you heard this Adele singer? She's really good"
4. Pilates

Acai berries are super tasty! You should try yoga!

One Of Those Things You Think Everyone Knows Until You Drunkenly Mention It To A Crowd Of Friends And Blow Their Collective Minds

Statler and Waldorf are both a type of salad.

Goodbye Mr. Frosty Eye Haiku #2

Hitler hated cats

But he never met this guy

It's true look it up

Goodbye Mr. Frosty Eye Haiku #1

One time on Cambie

He wore a wee pirate hat

And gave zero fucks

One time in Philly

He heard Maggie ate a squirrel

And gave zero fucks

One time in Houston

He yelled in my face all night

And gave zero fucks

Surprise! It's A Turkey Sandwich!

Turkey Sandwich (Bigfoot Voice)

It's Not You It's Me

Sorry winter but we are all going to Palm Springs again to avoid you. 

Toronto Freezing Cold Winter Haiku

Dude you are too cold

I don't have sufficient clothes

Wind chill conundrum

It's not you it's me

The Gardiner Express Way

Is that all one word?

Icy street car tracks 

How can a place so freezing 

Have such great pizza?

Slight smell of garbage

Cab from the fucking airport 

55 dollars

Our mayor sucked too 

You would be home already

If you lived right here

I love you Big Smoke

But you're bringing me right down

I'll be back in July

In Queso Emergency Pray To Cheeses

Flat Bottom Shells You Make The Taco World Go Round

Take Heed As I May Be Cranky On The First Day Back To Work After A Nice Long Weekend On Galliano

Tiny Snickers Bar! (Bigfoot Voice)

Love Disinfection

DTF moist patch seeks inconsiderate turkey with a messiah complex for salsa dance partner. Must be available Wednesdays.

Love Convection

Poodle cross with a nasty case of shingles seeks down-to-earth sagittarius for slow walks on the beach and pillow fights. Must be lactose intolerant.

Love Reflection

Left slipper seeks right for awkward brunches and ....? No fatties.

Love Insurrection

Tiny muffin seeks strong smelling woman to help install kitchen cabinets. No guilt trips. 

Love Imperfection

Glass eye seeks caramel apple for discreet encounters in the Whole Foods women's bathroom. Vaccinations required. 

Love Projection

SWF with a hummus fetish seeks same. Accountants welcome.

Love Connection

Do you like to party? This big beautiful presbyterian will roll you up in a duvet and treat you like the nasty burrito you are. Must own car. 

It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got Chicken Wings

Winter Is Coming

Is That A Yam With Marshmallows In Your Pants Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

SHEMOMEDJAMO: A Georgian word that roughly translates to the state of being whereby one eats past the point of being full just because the food tastes good.

Super Tight Cranky Pants All Up In Your Business Haiku: Late Addition

Pumpkin spice my ass

I'll take a nice dry red wine

Leave the bottle please

I Couldn't Help But Wonder….

Super Tight Cranky Pants All Up In Your Business Haiku

I hate everyone

Shut the fuck up barky dog

Poisoned hamburger

Seriously dude

I'll punch you in the dunkers

Square in the dunkers

 I'm so not kidding

Volvo lady drive faster

Watch me rear end you

Fist upside the head

You mistook me for someone

Who cares what you think

Don't answer the phone 

Just smoke a big fat doobie

Popcorn sandwiches

Waiting To Deplane In YVR Airport Haiku

Back of seat kicker

Peanut salt finger licker

I will not miss you

Grumpy Winnipeg Airport Haiku

Hey TGIF

How can these fries be soggy

And yet also burnt

Nice work business man

You know all the words to that 

Fucking country song

Girl with no shoes on

You're bogarting the outlet

I want to mace you

Loud iPad couple 

Everybody does not

Love Raymond like you

Do you really need

That big gigantic pillow

To fly to Brandon?

Sorry middle seat

But my left armpit kind of 

Smells like fried chicken 

What Does A Guy Have To Do To Get His Own Therapy Llama?

An open letter to the old man stuck in room 601 of the Raddisson on John Deere Commons in Moline Illinois.  Don't panic. Put on your sweatpants and eat the $14 pringles from the mini bar. Your flight has been rescheduled for tomorrow.

Hey Prague Maybe This Is Treppenwitz But I Just Want You To Know That You Are Not Giving Me A Backpfeifengesicht Feeling

Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte