Putting On My Cranky Pants One Cranky Leg At A Time

Mr. Bunndini wears his birthday cranky pants with pride today. Here are the things that I don't want to talk about or be involved in this morning as I drink my third cup of coffee and contemplate what may be the worst hangover in human existence. Please note that in the spirit of non-judgment I salute your right to do any and all of these activities on a regular basis with pride and gusto. By no means should my cranky pants hamper your ability to enjoy these activities but just know that I can not share in your amusement.

ORANGE SKIN: I don't need any information on how to apply bronzer but thanks for emailing it to me. Ditto for self tanners, tanning salons or anything fake-tan related. You are not fooling anyone.

TALKING ABOUT BREAST FEEDING: Mr. Bunndini loves boobies as much as the next guy and I'm happy for your ability to nourish life with your mammaries but I have nothing to add to a discussion about this or anything to do with the birthing process in general.

HOLISTIC MEDICINE: Waving a bag of stones in a pouch over your third eye chakra while doing a liver cleanse is no match for the mighty power of science. Enjoy your reiki echinacea homeopathic healing bracelet but don't come running to me when your kids all get polio because you refused to get them vaccinated.

WOMEN-CENTRIC THEME PARTIES: I love a party but will never attend any event that ends in "ette" (stagette, bachelorette). I will also not be taking part in any "showers" be they the wedding or baby variety. In fact the only shower I will attend involves soap and water.

POOP: Your babies, your dogs or your own poop is your own business and responsibility. Please keep it to yourself and do not involve me in your shenanigans.

HOROSCOPES: I'm sorry to have to break it to you but one twelfth of the entire population of the world are not all alike. The alignment of the stars on the day I popped out of my mothers womb in no way influences what numbers I should play in the lottery. If you can provide proof otherwise please let me know.

Also, don't put your dog in your wedding party or say "irregardless".