Sometimes You Just Need A Night Alone At Home

Random Gout Haiku (Sponsored By Old Jewish Men Everywhere)

Fuck uric acid

What am I Winston Churchill?
Steer clear of all beer

Though I love you so

Marmite I must forsake you

Hot swollen toe joint

The disease of kings

So says Wikipedia

I say bite my ass

Ring no longer fits

Cool it with the organ meats

Have some bread instead

Known as podagra

When it involves the big toe

Avoid oily fish

Next!

Why does anyone like dating?

You have to put on a clean sweater.

Meet someone you don't really know who is probably all sorts of wrong but pretending not to be.

Maybe make a plan to grab a bite to eat sometime.

Go out in public.

When really you just both want to get some sexy time.

And then go home and sleep alone in your own beds.

I'm Holding Out For A Neither Until The End Of The Night

no guilt trips

no coke heads

no negative nellies

no control freaks

no children

no stalkers

no drug dealers

no peanut allergies

no jealous assholes

no dieters

no bus passes

no prozac

no drummers

no agoraphobics

no neurotics

no god lovers

no drunks

no overbearing mothers

no passive aggressives

no whiners

no

no

no

just no

I'm Still Choosing Neither

I Choose Neither

It would be an understatement to say that all human interactions today have been unfulfilling. If you need me I'll be the one on the patio smoking and not making eye contact with anyone.

Don't Harsh My Mellow Dude

Shoop

If this little dude was wrapped around my finger the gouty arthritis would surely be cured indefinitely

Jimmy Crack Corn And I Don't Care

Dr. Stapler and I have started a new band called Guinea Pig Hair Piece. We hope to release a cassingle of our first song "Give Us The Money Lebowski" on Roast Leg Of Lamb Day (May 7th) but it may be delayed to Straw Hat Day (May 15th) if we can't get the art work done in time.