In Case You Were Wondering

I'm still giving zero fucks about your stupid unrealistic life plans and crazy relationship drama.

Dear Crazy Self Absorbed People Whose Text Messages I Will Be Ignoring Forever

You are not my problem. Please accept this bowl of zero fucks as a consolation prize.

Send Baked Goods STAT!

Man cannot live on pickled eggs alone. 

No Really Moira You Look Great In That New Lipstick

I'm So Hungry I Would Shiv A Baby For A Turkey Sandwich

Work Schmerk

I'm taking the day off for the safety of all humanity.

Sweet Fat Gummy Worm Attraction

Pull Your Head Out Of Your Ass Millstein

When I get up and walk to the espresso machine only to realize for the second day in a row that I forgot to buy milk for my coffee.

Children Are A Blessing From Dog

Just Take It Down A Notch Big Guy

How my hangover feels about having to celebrate jesus birthing chocolate eggs out of his vagina this morning.