Sloth For The Win

I'm right on track to win the olympic gold medal in lying around on the couch in sweatpants eating cheese and watching netflix all weekend.

Sprechen Sie Cheese Doodles?

Señor grumpy toad ran out of banana chips and is too engrossed in House Of Cards to go to the store and buy more and/or pretzels and/or chocolate mint cookies.  

Casserole Of Nonsense

Roses are red

Pinot noir is too

I'd rather eat all these pancakes

Than go on a date with you

Unless You Want A Punch In The Dunkers

There are some things one should never say regardless of ones marital status and the phrase "happy wife happy life" is definitely one of those things.

See also: "the wife" and "hubby".

Jokes The Baseboard Heaters Tell Me On Freezing Cold Mornings When I Don't Want To Get Out Of Bed

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books but he's only got his shelf to blame.

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a really ripe banana.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

Things you should never google:

• Tick infestation

• Extra teeth

• Pilonidal cyst

• Tapeworm

• Severe athlete's foot

Things you should always google:

• Ocelot kitten

• Sinkholes

• Polar bears and dogs playing together
• Easter Island bodies
• Magnet falling through copper pipe

• Ticklish penguin

Bim Bam Baloney

Top ten reasons why working from home is better than not:

1. Never having anyone ask how your weekend was.

2. Sweatpants.

3. Never having to smell the gross smell of other peoples gross lunches being heated up in the gross office kitchen microwave.

4. No office kitchen microwave.

5. No commuting/parking/public transit.

6. Sweatpants.

7. No drama (unless it's on Judge Judy).

8. Grilled cheese sandwiches anytime of the day are just a few steps away.

9. Never having to hear about last nights episode of Dancing With the Stars.

10. Sorry did I say sweatpants already?

I Think Some Kind Of Sporting Event Is On Right Now Haiku

The streets are empty

Do they riot in football?

Melt some cheese on it.

Oh so much yelling

Good time to go to Costco

No toilet paper

Watch out for that dip

It's been sitting out all day

backfield in motion

Jokes Tiny Birds Tell Each Other

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.