I Will Not Eat Them Sam I Am Because I Poop Grenades Of Ham

Hey Look A Fluffy Cat In A Santa Hat

Thanks for clogging up my email inbox with holiday greetings companies who clog up my inbox the rest of the year with equally unimportant crap I also don't care about.  

When Babies Make that High Pitched Pterodactyl Screching Noise For No Apparent Reason

It's Not That I Don't Care About _____________

It's just that I don't care about your _____________

Blame It On The Lactobacillus Bulgaricus

The answer to the question of whether that yogurt that was best before 3 weeks ago is still good has been determined to be a resounding no. 

How I Really Feel About Christmas

Is That 51 Live Turtles Smuggled In Your Pants Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

A man visits a zoo and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.

Less Humanity More Dinkel

She's Just Thinking With Her Chicken Lady Brain

I'm Taking To You

When you call me on the phone to clarify something I laid out very clearly in an email and then when I don't answer text me to ask me to call you back to explain it then get offended when I suggest you email me any questions you may have about my email to you. 

When I Asked You If You Had Sex With My Brother

When You Want Me To RSVP To Your Free Event

Really November?

How I feel about turning the heat and all the lights on at 1pm today.

Dimly Lit Meals For One

Thug Life

When you haven't gone grocery shopping in over a week so eat all the random food items in the fridge in weird combinations in a fugue state on the couch watching Nashville.

Put Some Russet In Your Gusset

Don't be a hater. Be a tater dater!

The Way Heaters Smell When You Turn Them On For The First Time Since Last April

Back It The Fuck Up

I'm picking up the turkey today.

I'm Trapped In A Glass Case Of Emotion

Overwhelmed With Kittens

Would probably be one of the better ways to die.

I Got 99 Problems And These Duckings Are Approximately 23 Of Them

Yas Queen

Pull your head out of that Canada Dry box and get on the bus!

Pacific Buffet

Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls

I Never Don't Regret Eating Butter Chicken

There Must Be A Sale On Bonker Juice

Because everyone I have talked to today has been drinking a shit ton of it.

Hey Tuesday You Would Be Well Advised To Grant Me A Wide Berth

Mr. Bunndini is still super grumpy and trying not to tell everyone to fuck off constantly all day via email, text, telepathy and in-person communications. 

Extreme bad mood/general malaise may be caused by several factors including but not limited to:

1. Less than stellar weather

2. Lack of Mavis Stapler

3. Fruit flies

4. Unsatisfying work interactions

5. Possible Mavis Stapler withdrawal

6. Slow leak on bike tire (just stop dicking around and go flat already!)

Today I Hate Everyone

How was your weekend?

That Is Not An Age Appropriate Response

First World Problems

Thankfully this is the last year I will have to see this view. After 6 years it was getting fairly lackluster and the drive was killing me.

Cooper on the other hand is the exact opposite of lackluster.

And he knows it.

Don't Be Jealous Of My Boogie

A Baby Came Out Of Your Vagina. Good For You.

But I'm not baking you a fucking lasagna. 

Anything Could Happen. I'm Right On The Brink.

Current Mood

Rene You're Being Unreasonable

We're Here. We're Gruyere. Get Used To It.

It Was Basically Just A Fish Deal With A Bit Of Chit Chat

Monday bad news: 

- broken iPhone screen

- expensive bulb replacement on car

 - humans calling me on the phone asking stupid questions

 Monday good news:

- hummingbirds

- science podcasts

- bacon bits made from coconut

The Safe Word is Mustard

The Safe Word Is Trampoline

Nobody Can Eat 50 Eggs

There is a 5-18 hour window of when I will eat a banana after I take it home from the store.