When You're Driving In A Chevy And Your Pants Start To Feel Heavy

When You're Running Down The Hall And Something Splatters On The Wall

When You're Sliding Into Home And Your Pants Are Full Of Foam

Montreal I Love You But Your Freezing Cold Weather Is Bringing Me Down

Stop being so fucking cold Montreal. Just stop.

You are so old and picturesque and all the french people who live in you are so well dressed and good looking and talk with their hands in two languages and smoke their faces off.

There is all the crazy street art and the quaint bistros where one can eat all the pate and frites and bone marrow one can stuff in ones face.

And the live music venues with tapas restaurants in their basements all have red walls, old tiled floors and bathrooms with weird bilingual graffiti where everyone leaves their gigantic puffy winter coats on a big rack at the front door without fear that anyone will steal them.

But even when you provide brisket sandwiches from Schwartz's Hebrew Deli on Saint Laurent and suggest I eat them on top of Mont Royal looking down on the city you still cannot convince me that you are in the slightest bit warm and amenable to living in you except maybe from June to September but even then probably not.

Still More Bad Jokes My Coffee Table Tells Me

Question: Why did the hipster burn his tongue eating pizza?

Answer: Because it wasn't cool enough.

Third Day In A Row Eating A Turkey Sandwich From Terra Breads For Lunch

It Gets Fucking Dark At 4:30 In The Fucking Afternoon Now

Smooth Move Ex Lax

This stomach bug/flu/food poisoning/ecoli/scurvy is not getting any better. I' have no doubt that ignoring it over the past 48 hours while going out for dinner every night and drinking copious amounts of red wine and Jameson's has not been helpful in the least but as I've said many times before; you won't remember that night you got a good nights sleep when you are on your death bed. Thus, the menu today on this holiday Monday will include some sort of brothy soup, salty crackers and a couple shots of pepto bismal. L'chaim!

There Are No Words……...

What Do You Mean Dr. Stapler Won't Be Sleeping On the Couch Again Tonight?