Regrets I've Had A Few

SHARPIE KNUCKLE TATTOOS (noun): An activity occurring while intoxicated which one may have no recollection of until they discover the defacement on their body the following day. Initial discovery often occurs during the act of bathing.

Closely associated with the hobby of CORNING but with a distinctly shorter period of recovery.

Get Out Of My Dreams And Onto My Piano

(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love And Chimpanzees Riding On Segways

FALLING INTO A G HOLE (verb): A phenomenon whereby a simple google search leads to an endless tangent of internet exploration that can last hours and even days.  Often leads to the discovery of interesting facts that can later be used in casual conversation or games of trivial pursuit.

Also known as: Wikipedia Wasteland, YouTubular Dysplasia.

hamsters eating popcorn ---> gigantic silverfish ---> that Smiths video ---> tubal ligation ---> foam ---> is bacon healthy? ---> Williams-Beuren Syndrome ---> Cary Grant ---> Rikers Island ---> hamsters eating popcorn

I'll Give You Something To Really Cry About

Mr. Bunndini does not tolerate baby talk at any time even when speaking with or about actual babies. If you are a baby please ignore that last sentence and carry on as usual.

It Takes Two To Make A Thing Go Right

An important notice as to the correct usage of an often misused word:

WE (pronoun - first person plural): Used by a speaker to refer to himself or herself and one or more other people considered together.

It is thus improper to say that "we" won the hockey game unless you were physically on the ice playing (ditto any other sporting event). Also "we" can only be pregnant if "we" are siamese twins who share a womb.

Thank you for your support.

Runaround Sue

Mr. Bunndini is not only awake at this hour but has already gone out, purchased coffee, drank aforementioned coffee, picked up Pollyanna, walked around a few long germ-riddled hospital hallways and then drove home in the dark rain pretending to be commuting to work with all those morning soldiers alone in their cars listening to the traffic report on am radio. Luckily for me though I was not driving to a downtown office building at 6am to beat the rush hour traffic and put in my obligatory eight hours but instead was headed home to watch pvr'd episodes of Californication and try to remember what type of yogurt Pollyanna likes to eat so I could get her some before I picked her up at 10am to bring her back to my place to recover on my couch. I hope she shares her painkillers with me. I mean really what are friends for?

Wherefore Art Thou Vodka?

Lobster Mashed Potatoes

Friends let us make a vow right now to never say these terrible things to each other:

"Everything happens for a reason"
"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans"
"What's your sign?"

First A Nap And Then A Snack

Don't Be Gruel

Like Ma No Bruises

Spoonarious

Picture it: It's past 1pm and you find yourself still on the couch that you fell asleep on last night after a few too many late night cocktails. A double bill of The Philadelphia Story and Bringing Up Baby is on the television and you have enough supplies to eat a constant stream of peanut butter on toast and babybel cheese on crackers washed down with two pots of strong coffee. The laundry and vacuuming don't really need to be done. It's overcast outside and the baby in the downstairs apartment is either not crying or dead. You are wearing the perfect warmth and comfort combination of sweatpants, cotton tank top, cashmere sweater and soft slouchy socks. You should get dressed and go buy groceries but decide that a nap is a better idea.

Housegold Pest Haiku Of The Day

Silverfish j'taime

You live for two to eight years

Don't eat my dandruff

You require humidity

Will you be my valentine?

Earwigs will eat you

I love you all day

I only see you at night

Life is a highway

Carbohydrate Haiku Of The Day

Despite your acclaim

You have never been inside

A turkey carcass

Stove Top stuffing mix

It's like I've always known you

Simmer five minutes

You are so salty

But I cannot stop myself

Run away with me

One Man's Oyster

As you know Mr. Bunndini and his crew recently vacationed on a small island off the coast. We discovered that being in a car on multiple ferries in a dark rainy wind storm makes one think about the worst things in life and how to avoid them at any cost thus I give you a personalized detailed account of the worse case scenario for each of us:  

Mr. Bunndni's personal hell
There is a severe earthquake warning and I'm in a freezing cold underground parking lot camping under precarious scaffolding. It smells like a cross between hobo body odor and dried cat urine. The radio is stuck between stations playing Vivaldi's Four Seasons and Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire. I'm wearing control top pantyhose, I have to pee, I haven't washed my hands in a week and my lips are really chapped but I have no chap stick. My mother is loudly reciting Alligator Pie with her mouth full of egg salad sandwich while Celine Dion is enthusiastically trying to toilet train a whiny toddler.  I'm moving heavy boxes and a barbershop quartet who all have to blow their noses are frantically trying to get my attention. All dogs and monkeys refuse to wear sweaters. 


Dr. Mavis Stapler's personal hell:
You are driving a car on a rainy highway at night going to the dentist to get all four wisdom teeth removed under a light local anesthetic. In the front passenger seat is a nail-biting gum-chewing old man with a serious sinus infection who has not washed his hair in a month. In the back seat is a condescending new mother loudly eating soup sitting next to a sweaty knuckle-popping teenager who is jiggling his leg aggressively which is in turn kicking the back of your seat repeatedly. They are all having separate conversations and are all mad at you for various unexplained reasons. There is no science. 


Pollyanna's personal hell: 
You are in a spider infested plane in a turbulent lightning storm heading to a winter hot air balloon competition in Timmins Ontario which you being forced to compete in. You are in the middle seat sandwiched between an annoying married couple who are animatedly talking about kittens while simultaneously doing tequila shots. The plane is full of unruly children and their ineffectual parents. The smell of lavender is in the air and you just ate a giant bowl of raw onions. As the plane prepares for an emergency landing you find yourself being spooned by a large stranger whose forehead sweat drips on your face like Chinese water torture while another stranger massages your feet and tells you what a failure you are. Someone is cooking ground beef in the overhead luggage compartment. You are lactose intolerant.


Mango Sister's personal hell:
First you pee in a filthy gas station washroom that had neither soap, water or paper towels and the door handle is covered in melted Oh Henry bar. Then you get on a sailboat in a storm with your extremely drunk father who is repeatedly belching while in the midst of a serious anxiety attack. He has cooked you a dinner of humus dahl which he prepared after a particularly violent diarrhea session which he neglected to wash his hands after. The food may have been left on a vomit strewn counter for two to five days. You fall overboard and once your father is done making comments about your breast size he rescues you but you cannot change out of your wet cold clothes and have to sleep in them all night with a raging bladder infection and no blanket listening to your drunk aunt smacking her lips beside you. The air is rife with the odor of peanuts. 


* Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

1-800-PAN-CAKES

Dear Downstairs Neighbour's Baby:

Please stop crying at 5am or I will give you something to really cry about.

Regards,
Mr. Bunndini

P.S. Do you like my hat?

Do Not Scoff At My Jaunty Coif

In the spirit of the new year Mr. Bunndini is endeavouring to try out a new look. Below are a few of the modern new wigs there are to choose from.
Thoughts? Concerns? Discussion?

 

"Charisma"



















"Pickled Egg"

"Karaoke Lady"

 "The Mangler"

"Turgid"

"Janice"

 

"Corn Flakes"













"Introspection"

Kittens Not Mittens

Because that last post may have been construed as negative, here are some words that Mr. Bunndini thinks are very awesome:

• Mustard
• Persnickety
• Scampi
• Jimenez
• Triskaidekaphobia
• Carbuncle
• Mellifluous

• Snazzy

• Schadenfreude

• Litigious
• Aujourd'hui
• Schmaltz
• Pithy
• Buttafucco
• Salami

Pugs Not Drugs

Today is the last day of my two week vacation and the first day of the new year that I will not spend lying on the couch recovering from what can only be described as an epic new years eve with Mavis Stapler. I have started off 2011 not changing or quitting or resolving to do anything but continue to love my friends and have as much fun as I possibly can without hurting anyones feelings or damaging their personal property. I'm also going to eat some vegetables today, test out my new running sneakers and do a mountain of laundry. 

Reflecting on the past year Mr. Bunndini has made a list of words and phrases that are annoying and should be avoided whenever possible:

• Galvanized
• Sustainable
• Stoked (unless speaking about an actual fire literally being stoked)
• Caucus
• Grow your business
• Irregardless (this is literally not a word)
• Closure
• Mucus membrane
• Jeggings
• Getogether

Breaking Wind......

...... is what windbreakers are for.