No Judgment

I received this text message from my dear friend Polyanna but may not be understanding exactly what she was trying to say :

"Nothilog cold make me happier that refinni You No The voy od0brethf the syra"

Please advise.

Roll Me In Designer Sheets

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call but I change their names slightly with a "Mc" and a "bottom" surrounding their last name. John McSmithbottom calling. Ignore.

VILF

Holy Snappers Mr. Spock Eats Red Vines!

The Tears Of A Clown

OVERSHARING (verb): Overly personal, often sexual, remarks shared to a group by a person oblivious of the inappropriateness of aforementioned remarks thus creating an uncomfortable atmosphere.

This awkward atmosphere that can only be dissipated by making the international sign of oversharing by touching ones arms above ones head to form an "O". Can also be abbreviated in tight quarters (like on a crowded bus) by creating a smaller "O" with thumb and forefinger.

Strike One

I have a strict rule that I do not participate in any activities that end in “-athon”.

Hot & Fast Free Delivery

Tonight I ordered myself some chinese from the szechuan place around the corner and when I opened the bag, along with my fried tofu deluxe vegetables and other assorted spicy goodies, there were four sets of chopsticks. Two sets I could understand but four seemed like a purposeful jab at my extreme level of gluttony as someone would have had to evaluate the amount of food I ordered for just myself and surmise that it could only be consumed by a group of four people. On the upside there was also four fortune cookies and none of the fortunes said "you should avoid your scale" or "this week shows potential for growth" - and I checked very carefully as I ate all four of them. Huzzah!

I'm Like A Truth Machine

JUDGE JUDY TIME (noun, verb): The variety of activities that you perform after you CROSS THE OFFICE RUBICON. These tasks are most often conducted whilst sitting at your desk under the guise of doing actual work and may include constantly checking facebook and/or randomly texting photos of kittens to your hungover friends but can also involve "working from home".

Houston We Have A Problem

CROSSING THE OFFICE RUBICON (verb): The exact moment at work when you realize and accept that you are not going to get anything else productive done for the rest of the day.

Mr. Bunndini's Favourite Pick-up Line

"I don't want to be alone tonight but I do in the morning if you know what I mean"