It's Been A Slice

I Will Not Eat Them Sam I Am Because I Poop Grenades Of Ham

Hey Look A Fluffy Cat In A Santa Hat

Thanks for clogging up my email inbox with holiday greetings companies who clog up my inbox the rest of the year with equally unimportant crap I also don't care about.  

When Babies Make that High Pitched Pterodactyl Screching Noise For No Apparent Reason

It's Not That I Don't Care About _____________

It's just that I don't care about your _____________

Blame It On The Lactobacillus Bulgaricus

The answer to the question of whether that yogurt that was best before 3 weeks ago is still good has been determined to be a resounding no. 

How I Really Feel About Christmas

Is That 51 Live Turtles Smuggled In Your Pants Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

A man visits a zoo and the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.

Less Humanity More Dinkel

She's Just Thinking With Her Chicken Lady Brain

I'm Taking To You

When you call me on the phone to clarify something I laid out very clearly in an email and then when I don't answer text me to ask me to call you back to explain it then get offended when I suggest you email me any questions you may have about my email to you. 

When I Asked You If You Had Sex With My Brother

When You Want Me To RSVP To Your Free Event

Really November?

How I feel about turning the heat and all the lights on at 1pm today.

Dimly Lit Meals For One

Thug Life

When you haven't gone grocery shopping in over a week so eat all the random food items in the fridge in weird combinations in a fugue state on the couch watching Nashville.

Put Some Russet In Your Gusset

Don't be a hater. Be a tater dater!

The Way Heaters Smell When You Turn Them On For The First Time Since Last April

Back It The Fuck Up

I'm picking up the turkey today.

I'm Trapped In A Glass Case Of Emotion