Bombay Beach Memoirs

Merry Fucking Christmas Happy Fucking Holidays Haiku

Your ecard is lame

I know you did not donate

To that orphanage

Holiday road check

Dude crying by his Yaris

Worst office party

Deck all the halls with

Gastown drunk Australians

Barf filled santa hat

Hawaiian pizza

Tastes so good at 3am

Fa la la la la

Eggnog hangover

Carpenters in the forehead

Son of a muffin

Actually it was

Daddy kissing Santa Claus

Gingerbread person

Cat ate some tinsel

Had trouble pooping it out

Happens every year

But Pronounced Like Guacamole

If I owned a dermatology clinic I would definitely call it "Whac-A-Mole".

Misery Loves Company

I just love to be left alone, dogs in sweaters, a malty beer, a plate of lasagna and something funny on the netflix. Is that too much to ask?

Mom Genes

No offence to moms of the world; we love you for changing our diapers and putting up with all of our teenage angsty crap. But I would like to propose that instead of the term "Jumping The Shark" we instead use the following phrase: DISCOVERED BY MOM (DBM)

Recent things my mom has discovered:
1. Texting
2. Facebook
3. "Have you heard this Adele singer? She's really good"
4. Pilates

Acai berries are super tasty! You should try yoga!

One Of Those Things You Think Everyone Knows Until You Drunkenly Mention It To A Crowd Of Friends And Blow Their Collective Minds

Statler and Waldorf are both a type of salad.

Goodbye Mr. Frosty Eye Haiku #2

Hitler hated cats

But he never met this guy

It's true look it up

Goodbye Mr. Frosty Eye Haiku #1

One time on Cambie

He wore a wee pirate hat

And gave zero fucks

One time in Philly

He heard Maggie ate a squirrel

And gave zero fucks

One time in Houston

He yelled in my face all night

And gave zero fucks