I'm Going To Lose My Cushions If Something Doesn't Start Going Right Today

Why I Seldom Eat Yogurt

Wise Words From Gaylords: Volume One

True friends stab you in the front

- Oscar Wilde

How I Really Feel About Camping

Sisterhood Of The Travelling Stapler

Welcome back from Germany Dr. Stapler. As my grandmother would often say Betäubungsmittelverschreibungsverordnung lebensabschnittpartner freundschaftsbezeigungen siebentausendzweihundertvierundfünfzig.

Good God Lemon

After several months of working from home I have yet to see a downside. Yes there are the occasional days when I speak only to actual human beings via email and my hair has gone unwashed for far longer than is healthy but the lack of waistbands, commuting and annoying co-worker conversations far make up for the anti-social lack of hygiene. One part of my routine is going for nice long walks in the middle of the day to forage for food. Today I walked in the slightly crisp early fall air to Granville Island where the tourists have now thinned out enough to not want to shiv them all. I bought the Siegel's caraway seed bagels (which are far superior to Solly's over-doughy ones). I bought the double smoked salmon from the place with the overpriced seafood that all the tourists take photos of. I stopped at the craft sake place and sampled one of their newest vintages. I picked up the mail and some paper of the toilet variety and walked home only to discover that I had forgotten the cream cheese. I'm substituting sour cream but it's just not the same.

Stop, Jammy Time

SWEATPANTSESTHESIA (noun) |ˈswetˌpantsˈTHēZHə: The phenomenon whereby a person comes to the realization that ones sleeping clothing, hanging around the house clothing and running errands clothing have all become the same. 

DERIVATIVESsweatpantsesthete |ˈswetˌpants THēt(noun)sweatpantsesthetic |-ˈTHetik(adjective)

INCORRECT. Your favorite animal is the cat. You will continue to receive cat facts every hour.

Like Trying To Shove Bread Dough Into A Change Purse

We Hold These Truths To Be Self Evident

1. Caraway seeds and mouse poop look suspiciously similar.

2. It's always pancakes.

3. Don't pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side.

4. That dingo will steal your baby.

Get A Room

Big gross spiders I respect that this is the time of the year that you mate but can you please not all do it at once all over my patio? Have some class dudes.

Oy Vey Moshe

I'm officially morphing into the old jewish man who lives inside me. Yesterday after eating a caraway seed bagel and pickled egg for breakfast I limped to the clinic on my bad hip to drop off my poop sample before coming home to watch not one but two hours of Judge Judy I had taped from earlier in the day. Then I had a dinner of toasted rye bread, raw onions and sardines, took an epsom salt bath, put anti-fungal lotion on my feet and went to bed by 9. Mazel tov.

Armadillos Are The New Bacon

New Yorks Hottest Club Is .....

SPASM

Located on the bed on Sunday mornings only this fur ball fest is the creation of mafioso club owner Poo Diamond Phillips. This club has everything: ringworm, gigantic chew toys, sailor hats, dead pigeons, sticks, really smelly mud, a room full of crotches, drugged squirrels.